Life Day
by sheepishshipper
Summary: Ezra Bridger has never been one to celebrate Life Day, but this year he's thinking things might be a bit different... (A Christmas Rebels fic)


**AN: k so like the last episode of rebels (Legacy) ruined me so heres a fic to remedy that, little bitof angst/fluff inspired by it.**

 **Also Life Day is from Star Wars the Old Republic if you wanted to know where i got the idea.**

* * *

Ezra walks towards his bunk, yawning after a meal of ration, when he hears the familiar sound of dejarik echo through the ship, accompanied by voices.

"You think we should start pulling out the- Ha! Gotcha- decorations?" Ezra listens curiously as he walks, entering the room as Hera and Kanan paid him no mind.

"I -aw, seriously?- guess we could." It's said with a shrug, and Hera gives Kanan a small smile.

"Oh com'on love, what's wrong with a little celebration?" Kanan wrinkles his nose a bit, considering the fact that _he_ was going to end up being the one who had to pull out all the boxes from storage. Finally, Ezra's curiosity gets the better of him, and he pauses.

"Celebration for what?" Hera looks over at him, almost incredulous.

"For Life Day?" She says, voice questioning, and Kanan looks up from where he was contemplating his next move. Ezra stares for a moment, thinking, before it clicks, and he realizes what time of the year it is. _Oh_.

"Oh." Is all he can muster for a moment, and both Hera and Kanan flick a quick glance at each other, before drawing their brows together and turning a concerned look to the suddenly speechless teen.

Ezra hasn't participated in Life Day since… since his parents were still around. Eight years he hasn't had the chance to celebrate, and hasn't wanted to celebrate, because the holiday was virtually meaningless without his parents. Rather than the celebration of life, living, and loved ones like it was _supposed_ to be, it'd become a holiday that just served to remind him of everything he'd _lost._ Signaled by twinkling lights and holotrees on every corner, awful music playing in the more upend imperial shops, it grew harder and harder to keep the thoughts of his parents away, of all the happy times they'd had and all the Life Days spent inside a warm, loving house void of any sense of loneliness, his mother making hot cocoa–

At the familiar tightening sensation in his throat, and the rapidly spiraling thoughts, he gives a surprised blink, resisting the urge to shake his head because he realizes he's been silent for far too long already, and grasps for something to say.

"Ezra?" Kanan's tone is gentle and prodding, the unasked " _what's wrong?"_ vibrating through the soft utterance of his name.

"Huh? Oh- I-" He stumbles for a moment, before putting a hand to the back of his head, trying to play up embarrassment, movement to cagey to be convincing. "Y'know, I was just thinking I couldn't believe I forgot what time of the year it is." He adds a nervous laugh to the end of that, and it's not a good enough act, because Hera and Kanan both just frown in his direction. Kanan opens his mouth to speak, and Ezra thinks, ' _Time to leave.'_

 _"_ Well, I- uh- gotta go do, uhm…" He's scrambling for words again, when something pops in his mind, and he jumps on it. "Mediate! I have to go meditate, Jedi training and all that! See ya all!" He flees the room then, ignoring the half-finished " _Wait"_ called after him, and hitting the door lock on the way into his room, thankful that Zeb was sent out on a supply run for today. He stands in the center of the room for a moment, before his shoulders slump a bit in defeat, and he trudges up the ladder to the top bunk, curling towards the wall as his back faced the door.

It wasn't so much that he was upset– well, actually, he was, a lot quite frankly, but that wasn't really why he had fled in such a rush. He just… didn't know what to do, really. He'd handled Life Day on the streets through a pretty general way– avoiding it. He stocked up on supplies, and the moment decorations started showing up, didn't go out into town during Life Day celebrations. He distracted himself by pulling pranks on the imperials or staying in his tower building things or trying to tap into the holonet and find something in simplistic Basic to read until everything died down again. In fact, the last two years he'd actually spent his time nursing his wounds after getting caught pranking the bucket-heads, and ended up getting shot on his escape, which put him out of commission and especially distracted during the entirety of Life Day anything.

But now? He was going to be forced to face it head on, he couldn't just curl up in his tower and try to lose his thoughts in anything time consuming, or recklessly search for an adrenaline shot to disrupt any wandering thoughts.

Not only that, but it seemed the crew expected to _celebrate_ it of all things, to decorate and trade gifts and do all the things he's been _avoiding_ for years, all the things that leave his thoughts traveling down the path to his parents, a path of thinking that always, _always_ , lead to ' _Are they still alive? Where are they? Why did they leave? Why do I have to be_ alone _?'_

A sick feeling churns in Ezra's stomach, eyes burning and throat getting clogged once more at the thought of all the questions that had been plaguing him years now.

He knew the answers to all of those questions this year.

Ezra swallows, curling into himself a bit more at the thought, as a deep longing tightens his chest, making it difficult to breathe, and sorrow curls in his heart as scenarios start to play through his mind, every _"_ _what if?"_ mixed in with bittersweet memories of past Life Day's and happy memories- the ones of his father carrying him on his shoulders, his mother teaching him how to cut cookie dough, sitting together on the couch watching holovids, his mother's voice when she'd sing old carols or songs of the Republic that had been banned, feelings of hope and love and being loved and _never being alone_ that just made the weight in his stomach heavier, all of it coming together in a single, aching, destitute realization he had been rejecting since he was seven.

' _I miss you guys so much.'_

* * *

Kanan watches has his padawan flees, ignoring his call. He frowns and turns his gaze to Hera, who's staring at the hallway with a melancholic look.

Ezra had been like this ever since returning from Lothal; sometimes he would seem cheerful and like his old self, until someone caught him staring into space, a mournful look on his features before he cleared it and moved on. And Kanan knew he was trying, trying to move on and move forward, but right now he was caught in that same phase Kanan had been caught in after the Jedi had fallen. Cycling through _"what if's",_ playing out old memories, and wondering why this had to happen, wondering what was the point of this suffering.

Kanan had been stuck in it for so long, he knew it like a second skin. So easy to slip back into, to get caught in and not be able to see the way out. He just didn't know if this was something Ezra should guide himself out of, or if Kanan should help him like he so desperately wanted too. The parent in him was caught in contention with the teacher, and he wasn't sure what to do, how to act.

Hera, apparently, did. Her voice disrupts his musings, and she pins him with a stern look, something that says _this-has-gone-on-long-enough._ He shrinks a bit under her gaze, and it softens slightly.

"Go talk to him." Her tone bids no argument, but he opens his mouth anyway… and firmly shuts it as something comes to mind. He may have guided himself out of that phase himself, but that was by taking on a completely different persona, and _burying_ everything until he didn't think about it anymore, or rather, forced himself not to through other means. He passed that phase, sure, but he didn't _truly_ leave it behind until… until Hera. Until Hera had helped him through it. Which meant there was absolutely no argument for Kanan to try and let Ezra sort this out himself. He had waited enough already; he'd given Ezra time and had his patience, and now it was time to try and help him. Kanan nods at Hera, and stands, walking down the hallway and shaking his head a little. All of this; stemming from a half-paid-attention-to conversation about Life Day.

* * *

Ezra feels the gentle prod through the force, and half wants to shove it away. Kanan wants to talk, and that's the last thing Ezra wants to do right now. He just wants to mope and be sad for a bit, was that too much to ask? Then again, that's exactly what _he's been_ doing, and it hasn't worked very well so far, so the other half of him is tempted to reach out, make the connection. He ends up going with the former, dismal feelings winning out. Maybe if he just pretended to be asleep, Kanan would let him be, at least for a little while. The whole Life Day idea had stirred up to many old feelings; he didn't want to face anyone at the moment.

Kanan reached out delicately, extending a light tendril through the Force, caring and understanding in manner. It's met with hesitance, before an equally light rejection that has him frowning, and pausing in front of the door, before sighing. He knocks on the door, an action that surprises Ezra greatly, which filtered through their training bond in muted tones. Kanan smiles a bit at that, before speaking,

"Hey kid, can we talk for a minute?" There was a groan in response, before Ezra's voice mutters through the door.

"Do I really have the choice?" Kanan frowns at the tone, which was weakly joking and tight. Kanan considers his response for a moment.

"Well it doesn't have to happen now, but it _is_ going to happen."

Ezra sighs, rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling of his bunk for a moment. The hesitance from before has returned, and he figures that he might as well get this over with. Hoping off the bunk, he walks to the door, scrubbing his eyes in a quick motion before opening the door, crossing his arms, and staring at Kanan who has surprise coloring his features. He hadn't expected Ezra to acknowledge him.

"Alright then, what did you want to talk about?" Kanan makes a gesture into the room, and Ezra gives a half shrug, moving from the door way and heading further into the room, settling on Zeb's bunk. Kanan stands in front of him, a slightly uncomfortable look crossing his face before it settles on concerned, and he crosses his arms, staring down at Ezra.

"What's up with you?"

Maybe it wasn't the _best_ phrasing he could have taken, but Kanan wasn't exactly known for his finesse in handling these types of situation, didn't exactly know how to comfort another person all that well. On Lothal he'd proven he was nowhere near Hera on those terms, the only thing he'd really been able to do was make sure that whatever Ezra had to go through, he wasn't alone for it. Kanan didn't want Ezra to go through anything like he did, _alone_ like that. He does his best to keep his tone low, gentle, and arches an eyebrow when the youngling simply shrugs in response. Silence ensues for a moment, and Kanan lets out a soft sigh, moving to sit next to Ezra, who was now refusing to meet his eyes. He inhales deeply, a steadying breath, preparing himself for the conversation he didn't like to have, but knew he would have too to help Ezra.

"When my master died; when the Jedi fell… I was alone." He starts, and Ezra moves his gaze to Kanan, taking a serious look because he knew Kanan _never_ liked talking about his past, so this had to be significant. "I lost everything, everyone I knew, and I was just about your age at the time, too." Kanan clasps his hands together, staring at the wall with a far off gaze. "I kept wondering: what if? What if I had been a little bit faster, a little more experienced? What if the masters did something differently, defended themselves better? What if the Jedi never fell?" He glances down at Ezra, who's staring at him with a wide eyed look. "It's a vicious cycle to be caught in." His tone adopts a sort of knowing, and Ezra looks away at that, biting his cheek.

"How did you… get past it?" He asks quietly, cautiously, flicking his eyes up to Kanan, who gives a soft smile, setting a hand on the younger boy's shoulder.

"I had a little help." Ezra side eyes him, before a flicker of mirth echoes through the bond, and he asks,

"Hera?" His tone is teasing, so Ezra is surprised when Kanan simply nods seriously.

"She taught me what it was like to have somebody, a real family, after such a long time. Ezra, we know it's been hard for you," he starts, staring his padawan dead in the eye, "and that none of us know exactly what you're going through." He pauses for a second as Ezra's eyes get a little misty, and Kanan gives his shoulder a slight squeeze of reassurance. "But we're here for you. Even without your parents, you're not alone." Kanan finishes, somewhat uncertain as to whether he should add more or not, but something in the words just felt right, so he left it, albeit hesitantly. He's surprised once more when Ezra wraps his arms around Kanan in a rush, sniffling and trying to reign his emotions under control. Kanan returns the embrace as Ezra speaks.

"I just- I don't know what to do." His voice is wobbly, but he continues anyway. "I thought I'd be okay after Lothal, but it just been- and then you and Hera were talking about Life Day and I just- _I miss them so much_ , Kanan." Kanan grimaces as his heart twists for the boy- he is reminded again of just how _young_ Ezra is, he's just a _kid_ , and how much he's been through for his age and is struck by the sudden unfairness of it all- as he finishes with a broken tone, and simply wraps his arms around Ezra's small frame tighter in an attempt to comfort him.

"I know, kid. I know." Kanan pulls back, settling both of his hands on Ezra's shoulders to look him in the eye as he speaks. "And it's alright to miss them and be sad, they were your parents, Ezra. They were family. But if all you do is wonder about the past, you'll never progress into the future. I may not have known your parents, but I know _you_." He moves a hand to poke at Ezra's chest in a bit of a playful manner, and is relieved to see it earn a slight smile. "And through you, I know they would want you to move forward, to keep their memories but not let them control you. You understand?" Ezra nods, wiping his eyes with his sleeve once more. Kanan gives his shoulder a light pat before standing.

"Alright then, I have to go see what Hera wanted me to do about those decorations." As he heads through the door, Ezra calls out.

"Wait!" Kanan pauses, glancing back and raising a curious eyebrow. He can feel the hesitance in the boy, but he seemingly decides to say what he wanted to anyway.

"Did you… need any help with those decorations…?" Kanan grins at him.

"Sure, kid."

* * *

Ezra laughs as he watches Kanan struggle to get a large box off of where it's been shoved for storage in the ship, and it turns hysterical when he manages to get the box down, only to be assaulted by another, smaller box that had been unsettled in all the jostling. At Kanan's grumbling comment of "Aren't you supposed to be helping?" Ezra grins and holds up the lights in response, with a cockily stated "I am."

He'd been working to replace all of the lightbulbs that were broken or burn out by the time Hera came in to hear Kanan mumbling about something about the boxes. She set a warm mug down in front of him, and the familiar warm sent had his eyes clouding for a moment. His reaction did not go unnoticed, and Hera placed an uncertain hand on Ezra's shoulder for a moment, a soft touch that had his gaze clearing and he smiled up at Hera.

"Thanks, Hera." She shoots him a smile back, and Kanan watches the exchange out of the corner of his eye.

"Anytime. Hot chocolate is a Life Day family tradition, after all." She says, and he nods back at her, returning his gaze to the mug before taking a sip. His eyes widen.

"This is delicious!" Kanan laughs at the exclamation, taking his own mug from Hera.

"I might make a mean cup of caf, but Hera definitely has me beat in hot cocoa." She shoots him a triumphant look, crossing her arms.

"Oh I don't know love, I think I can make a better cup of caf too." Kanan looks scandalized, and Ezra snickers in response.

"Well if it's anything like this Hera," Ezra says, "I'd say you have him beat." Kanan shoots him a betrayed look at the words, and he gives a mischievous grin in response. Their conversation is interrupted by Sabine and Zeb, who, as if attracted by the smell, came in with searching eyes, settling a questioning look on Hera.

"I heard the was hot chocolate." Sabine says, and Zeb just inhaled deeply.

"And I smelt it." Zeb says, and Hera laughs at the hopeful looks on both their faces.

"I made a whole batch; com'on, it's in the kitchen." The file out of the door, and she calls over her shoulder as she walks. "Oh, and I'd like to get those decorations up this year boys, if you could manage it."

"Hey, you try getting down these boxes!" Kanan yells in defense, and Ezra snickers once more.

"Can't you just use the force, master?" He asks teasingly, and gets a glare from Kanan in response that has him smothering his laughter into his mug.

It was warm and sweet, the soothing smell mixing with the delicious flavor throwing him knee-deep into nostalgia, the good kind, the kind that left him smiling, and his heart still hurt for his parents, but mostly he was just happy to be here, celebrating again with the _Ghost_ crew. He could love the memories of his parents and still be here in the present. And he couldn't help but think that the cocoa was different from his mother's somehow, their flavors both individual and unalike, not in the sense that one was better, but more in the sense that he knew the occasions were the same, but not at the same time. The time was different, so the flavor has changed. And he didn't think it was a bad thing at all, for the first time in a while.

Kanan flicked a decoration at him that broke him from his musings, and Ezra feigned a hurt look that left Kanan chuckling.

"Com'on kid, we still have a couple of boxes to go."

"You know, I'm kind of regretting asking if you needed help." Kanan rolled his eyes at that.

"Just get over here!"

As he and Kanan struggled to get another box down, Ezra can't help but think,

 _'_ _Maybe Life Day won't be so bad this year.'_

 ** _fin_**


End file.
